For a few moments, I was feeling particularly inspired, as I sat here doing bookwork and listening to a lovely album. It seems to have come and gone. (Like that thing you remember you needed on the other side of the grocery store, and by the time you get there you can't for the life of you what it was. And you get home and realize, duh, you were out of hand soap.)
At the moment the only thing I remember passing through my mind is the topic of mom-guilt. My sister-in-law commented on Facebook about earning 3 points of mom-guilt for being on the internet instead of folding laundry, or something like that. Anyway, got me thinking about my day and why it was so crummy. I realized it was piled high with mom-guilt. Both the kids are sick, I am sick, and it was a long, awful day. Finn was whiny. He sneezed every 5 minutes, flinging green slime all over his mouth which he attempted to wipe away but just smeared into his hair, and cried every time I tried to wipe his nose (which of course was every 5 minutes). Ellie threw tantrums when I tried to (even gently) discipline her or get her dressed or get her to do anything besides watch movies (which I let her do lots today.... 10 points of mom-guilt right there.). Neither of them would eat anything I prepared for them. And 30 minutes later were hungry. I didn't have an appetite and was crabby because I was hungry. The cold weather and being cooped up inside has Ellie antsy and she got into more trouble than usual. I keep saying that I am going to plan some activities for the kids and I to do, to keep us busy this winter, but my days have been more like damage control because those antsy children are making bigger messes than usual, I have been busier than usual, and the house isn't messier than usual but I am trying to keep it clean more than usual. I feel like I spend half the day hollering at the kids (25 points of mom guilt), a quarter of the day cleaning (5 points of mom guilt, because I feel like I am ignoring the kids), and the other quarter slumped into a pile on the couch, zoning out, doing whatever on the computer, and praying that Daddy will be home early (15 more points of mom-guilt). When he does get home, I feel the need to be crabby and express my amount of distress over how crazy the children were, attempting to soothe my guilt over the whole day by trying to make him understand that I really DID do something today.... I think... and the kids were just SO crabby.... and I am SO tired....
Please, hold all the "don't feel guilty" and "you can't do everything" comments. This isn't all my days. Most of the mom-guilt comes from the fact that I know I can, and should, do better. It's OK to have "one of those days" but when "those days" start to happen more frequently than the "good days" we know there's a problem. My mom-guilt justification is fed by the fact that many of my other mom-friends are telling me they feel the exact same way. Regan (rightly) says that I let the kids get to me too much. In my last post I wrote about feeling so defeated sometimes by them, how I feel like I never get a step ahead, or I wake up with energy and motivated, and it is so quickly sucked out of me.
A beloved Rilo Kiley lyric rings through my head: "You say I choose sadness, that it never once had chosen me. Maybe you're right." or Don Chaffer "You're addicted to your sadness, it creates the touch of madness: the kind you like inside your veins." Replace "sadness" with crabby/guilty/defensive/stressed out mom and I'd say that's me. So I am trying to figure out how to fix it, how to give myself one big attitude adjustment, enjoy these days with my kids, balance the chores and the quality time. I need a day I can feel good about. Where I can say I did what I could, spent good time with the kids, and we were all better for it. I feel like those days they are harder to come by in the winter, but not impossible. This is a new phase of momhood that I am entering with (almost) two (sometimes three) toddlers on my hands. I am rather ill-prepared. Suggestions appreciated.
-- A quick note that the title quote is from Amy Seeley's new album, "Plum Coulee", coming out tomorrow. My brother Ryan, with a little help from Regan, recorded and produced the album. It has been serenading me this evening. You should own it.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Autumn
Fall has always been my favorite season. I am really not a hot-weather person. I melt in the heat. I get crabby. So, fall comes, like a breath of fresh air, reviving my soul after August has sucked the life out of it. I want to buy school supplies, I get out all my sweaters, and I suddenly feel like I could conquer the world.
This year has been unusual, though. Summer in Helena was more than just bearable, it was downright lovely.... with lots of rain to keep things green, temperatures rarely over 90, and two toddlers who I could shoo out the door most of the day to explore the back yard, splash in their pool, and stay out of my hair! Fall came late, and as it approached I found myself apprehensive, dreading the long winter that I knew would be following it. Isn't that just how we are, not enjoying the beauty we have at hand because we are anticipating what is next, whether bad or good. But, God has been gracious, and Fall has lasted long this year, and I am finally relishing in it's loveliness. Buying a new sweater or two has definitely helped get me in the spirit. And, maybe a couple of hats. And a scarf. OK, that's all.
I have not written a blog in so long because I feel like every time I have tried I have just been complaining. I have been so busy, working lots extra and just trying to keep up with life in general. Finn has been teething, then sick. I have been doing a little better on keeping up with house work. So, what else is there to talk about? I cannot deny that lately, at times, I feel so defeated. I feel defeated by the pile of laundry I can never catch up, by the kids destroying the house I just cleaned, by the pile of bills I need to sit down and pay. Thankfully we always have money to pay them, but bookkeeping is what I do for a living and therefore I never want to do it for myself. Usually there is more of feeling alternately defeated and inspired, especially in the fall, but I have had a hard time finding inspiration. I am just so darn tired.
Today felt like practically the best day in my life, however. The kid's cold has been threatening to catch me;, working way too much and sleeping way too little have been wearing on me. So, I dropped the kids off at Theresa's, called in to work, went home and slept most of the day, ran errands, and then picked up the kids and enjoyed the rest of the evening with them and Regan. Oh, how much I needed that.
I still don't know what to say, how to not sound like I'm complaining. So, I will end with this: Thank you God for this beautiful weather, for providing us with everything we need, for my wonderful and flexible job, and for great friends who take care of our children. And for the great new hats and sweater I found at awesome prices.
Amen.
This year has been unusual, though. Summer in Helena was more than just bearable, it was downright lovely.... with lots of rain to keep things green, temperatures rarely over 90, and two toddlers who I could shoo out the door most of the day to explore the back yard, splash in their pool, and stay out of my hair! Fall came late, and as it approached I found myself apprehensive, dreading the long winter that I knew would be following it. Isn't that just how we are, not enjoying the beauty we have at hand because we are anticipating what is next, whether bad or good. But, God has been gracious, and Fall has lasted long this year, and I am finally relishing in it's loveliness. Buying a new sweater or two has definitely helped get me in the spirit. And, maybe a couple of hats. And a scarf. OK, that's all.
I have not written a blog in so long because I feel like every time I have tried I have just been complaining. I have been so busy, working lots extra and just trying to keep up with life in general. Finn has been teething, then sick. I have been doing a little better on keeping up with house work. So, what else is there to talk about? I cannot deny that lately, at times, I feel so defeated. I feel defeated by the pile of laundry I can never catch up, by the kids destroying the house I just cleaned, by the pile of bills I need to sit down and pay. Thankfully we always have money to pay them, but bookkeeping is what I do for a living and therefore I never want to do it for myself. Usually there is more of feeling alternately defeated and inspired, especially in the fall, but I have had a hard time finding inspiration. I am just so darn tired.
Today felt like practically the best day in my life, however. The kid's cold has been threatening to catch me;, working way too much and sleeping way too little have been wearing on me. So, I dropped the kids off at Theresa's, called in to work, went home and slept most of the day, ran errands, and then picked up the kids and enjoyed the rest of the evening with them and Regan. Oh, how much I needed that.
I still don't know what to say, how to not sound like I'm complaining. So, I will end with this: Thank you God for this beautiful weather, for providing us with everything we need, for my wonderful and flexible job, and for great friends who take care of our children. And for the great new hats and sweater I found at awesome prices.
Amen.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
A month has escaped me.
I try to recall what has happened the last month, but I am really not sure about the details. It's a blur. As a I logged onto Blogger last night, ignoring my disaster house and responsibilities, determined to write, I was shocked and appalled to discover it has been a month since my last real post. I knew it had been a while, maybe a couple weeks, but a MONTH?!? WTF??!?! (Yeah, there's some classy English language at work.) I didn't get to write. I couldn't get the babies to sleep, I talked to my mom on the phone, and then Regan was home, and the night had escaped me.
Most recently, there has been a lot happening that has been pressing hard on my mind and heart. I'm reminded of the movie United States of Leland, where (spoiler alert!) a sweet teenage boy is so intensely overwhelmed by the sadness that surrounds him in the world he feels compelled to end the life of his girlfriend's mentally disabled little brother, "to set him free", "because he seemed so sad". Don't worry, I'm not saying that I am going to go kill a retarded kid. I am saying that I have felt so completely overwhelmed by the things going on around me, and maybe understand how it can make you a little crazy, make you lose perspective.
Ellie is deeply affected by things that are sad, or if someone is hurt. If a character in one of her books looks sad, she finds it over and over, stares at with a concerned look, and says "he's sad, Momma." "Why is he sad?" "He's crying, Momma." I try to divert her. I said something to Regan about a friend being sick and Ellie talked about it for a month after she heard that one conversation. I was perplexed at first where this intensity came from. Until I realized she got it from me.
I have always had a really hard time watching intense movies, or reading about social injustice, sickness, genocide, wars, scandals. I couldn't handle Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind because it made me feel crazy--like I was going to go crazy. I hate scary movies, or ones that involve infidelity. It leaves my heart so heavy.
I generally avoid this by just not letting a lot of things hit home: Not reading much news, being careful what kind of movies I watch or books I read. This week a lot of things have hit much too close to home. Relationships of dear friends dissolving, people I care about struggling in addictions, an acquaintance's 5-year-old daughter passing away after a rigorous, year-long battle with cancer. Friends and family without jobs. I have returned 3 times to the blog entry relating the loss of the above mentioned 5-year-old's family. Reading again about her 8-year-old older brother saying, "I can't be a brother without a sister." And I can't fight back the tears, and I go check on my babies as they sleep, and kiss them both, and pray that God keep them safe.
We have been so incredibly busy this last month, I literally have not had the time--or if I have had the time, not the mental energy--to post anything and sort through some of my thoughts. There have been lots of positives: Regan has been around more, my babies have been learning and growing like crazy (and are so sweet), we have been having fun as a little family. And, although the schedule has been rigorous, we have been enjoying being more involved at church and working on things together. But, "something's gotta give", Regan and I agreed as we, again ignoring our messy house, sat on the porch last night drinking a glass of wine and enjoying the responsibility of spending some time together, talking.
So, we continue on our quest for balance. As we sat, and drank, and got chilly as night fell, we discussed trying to find the balance between regular life and ministry, between giving and receiving, between working hard and relaxing. Lately it has been a pendulum, and it needs to stop swinging at such an alarming speed. And I search for the balance between sharing each other's burdens, and letting things go. Caring, perhaps, without being so overwhelmed by the ache I feel in my heart for those hurting around me.
My God, be with us all.
Most recently, there has been a lot happening that has been pressing hard on my mind and heart. I'm reminded of the movie United States of Leland, where (spoiler alert!) a sweet teenage boy is so intensely overwhelmed by the sadness that surrounds him in the world he feels compelled to end the life of his girlfriend's mentally disabled little brother, "to set him free", "because he seemed so sad". Don't worry, I'm not saying that I am going to go kill a retarded kid. I am saying that I have felt so completely overwhelmed by the things going on around me, and maybe understand how it can make you a little crazy, make you lose perspective.
Ellie is deeply affected by things that are sad, or if someone is hurt. If a character in one of her books looks sad, she finds it over and over, stares at with a concerned look, and says "he's sad, Momma." "Why is he sad?" "He's crying, Momma." I try to divert her. I said something to Regan about a friend being sick and Ellie talked about it for a month after she heard that one conversation. I was perplexed at first where this intensity came from. Until I realized she got it from me.
I have always had a really hard time watching intense movies, or reading about social injustice, sickness, genocide, wars, scandals. I couldn't handle Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind because it made me feel crazy--like I was going to go crazy. I hate scary movies, or ones that involve infidelity. It leaves my heart so heavy.
I generally avoid this by just not letting a lot of things hit home: Not reading much news, being careful what kind of movies I watch or books I read. This week a lot of things have hit much too close to home. Relationships of dear friends dissolving, people I care about struggling in addictions, an acquaintance's 5-year-old daughter passing away after a rigorous, year-long battle with cancer. Friends and family without jobs. I have returned 3 times to the blog entry relating the loss of the above mentioned 5-year-old's family. Reading again about her 8-year-old older brother saying, "I can't be a brother without a sister." And I can't fight back the tears, and I go check on my babies as they sleep, and kiss them both, and pray that God keep them safe.
We have been so incredibly busy this last month, I literally have not had the time--or if I have had the time, not the mental energy--to post anything and sort through some of my thoughts. There have been lots of positives: Regan has been around more, my babies have been learning and growing like crazy (and are so sweet), we have been having fun as a little family. And, although the schedule has been rigorous, we have been enjoying being more involved at church and working on things together. But, "something's gotta give", Regan and I agreed as we, again ignoring our messy house, sat on the porch last night drinking a glass of wine and enjoying the responsibility of spending some time together, talking.
So, we continue on our quest for balance. As we sat, and drank, and got chilly as night fell, we discussed trying to find the balance between regular life and ministry, between giving and receiving, between working hard and relaxing. Lately it has been a pendulum, and it needs to stop swinging at such an alarming speed. And I search for the balance between sharing each other's burdens, and letting things go. Caring, perhaps, without being so overwhelmed by the ache I feel in my heart for those hurting around me.
My God, be with us all.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
FOOD
So, this is not going to be a very exciting post. Life has been a whirlwind again these last couple of weeks and I can't believe it's been so long since I've written a blog! I have been alternately inspired and tired all week and seem to only be tired when I have time to write, thus leaving me with nothing interesting to say. On a side note, I have been doing some creative projects in my business and am excited to post some pictures upon completion!
Anyway, tonight I was working on our budget and we consistently waaaay over spend on food.
I don't like cooking. I don't have much time to cook. I hate meal planning. I hate grocery shopping.
I know that food is the #1 place we can trim out budget.
Anyone have tips for a rushed, reluctant, uninspired cook, cooking for a picky eater? I need to start cooking better things for my family (vegetables, for one, even if Regan won't eat them!) and figure out a way to make it tolerable!
I need recipes, resources! Help!
Anyway, tonight I was working on our budget and we consistently waaaay over spend on food.
I don't like cooking. I don't have much time to cook. I hate meal planning. I hate grocery shopping.
I know that food is the #1 place we can trim out budget.
Anyone have tips for a rushed, reluctant, uninspired cook, cooking for a picky eater? I need to start cooking better things for my family (vegetables, for one, even if Regan won't eat them!) and figure out a way to make it tolerable!
I need recipes, resources! Help!
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Inspiration, motivation, mental constipation.
"These things which I so often wonder
This need to create myself
Frustration forgotten through slumber
It's there when I wake, defeated before I rise"
(Sixpence None The Richer)
Life for the last couple years, I think, had been feeling very cyclical. Not really a smooth cycle, but more like a roller coaster... after a bumpy ride coming back to where it started, and starting off in the same fashion again. Two successive pregnancies probably was the biggest proponent to this.
Right now, I feel like the tracks have broken and the car is flying through the theme park at an alarming speed and crushing everything it comes in contact with. Repairing the track and returning to the cycle sounds maybe a little comforting, but incredibly suppressing after being in a free fall for a while now.
Ok, maybe that's a little dramatic. To be serious, though, several of my friends are pregnant right now and the thought of being pregnant again, being so tired, sick, then having a newborn that is so dependent.... well the whole idea makes me want to cry. That is not a cycle I want to return to any time very soon.
We have been so busy these last few months it is absurd. I have more things to do than I have time, more inspiration than I have motivation, and more thoughts than I can express or follow through with, or remember. I can't remember anything. Most recently, these last two weeks, I haven't hardly even been sleeping. Which is probably why I can't remember anything.
What I was saying?
Right, inspiration. Tomorrow I am going to an art night at my friend's house. I have several paintings that have been brewing in my brain and I am trying to decide which I should tackle first. But do I have the canvas I need? Maybe I'll go the craft store tomorrow and pick up a big one. But wait, I'm working tomorrow. Oh, and getting my hair done in the morning. Crap, I was gonna practice my set for church on Sunday, before practice on Tuesday, since I'm working all day Tuesday. And now all day Monday is taken up.... when am I going to pick out songs let alone practice? Guess I'm up til midnight again tonight. Maybe I should skip art night? No, I skipped the last two and I am dying to do something creative. I should have picked out songs like, yesterday. What did I do yesterday, anyway? Oh yeah, worked on the house and went to the wedding, took a nap so I'd survive. Man we've gotta finish painting. What day is it? The 18th! I forgot to pay the payroll taxes on Thursday! Dammit! I've gotta do books before I can pay them. I don't have time to do books until at least Wednesday evening....
I feel a little stretched thin, and like I have too many jobs I am not doing very well. Ok, I actually feel like a crazy person. I literally quadrupal booked myself tonight. I was going to pick out my music set and practice, I was going to do the books, I was going to get the house clean, I was going to relax and watch an episode of one of my favorite, inspiring HGTV shows. I'd be thinking about one, and remember something else I had to do, and forget the former, and think of another thing I had to do, and on and on. And subsequently I didn't even realize that I was mentally planning on doing more things than were possible in one evening.
The speaker at church this morning was awesome, talked about about being diligent and how God honors that, etc. At first the thought of diligence overwhelmed me, but then I was thinking about how if I was just diligent about the things I need to do, and do them quickly and well, instead of procrastinating, I would have a lot more time after they were all done. Back to the "just do something". It keeps coming back to haunt me.
On a side, inspired note: Isn't this the greatest bed you've ever seen? A girl can dream. I want to dream. In this bed.
And now, on a motivated note: I better go pick out my songs.
Working on that balance thing. This is going to be a long road, but I couldn't be happier to be on it or have better people to be on the journey with. I think I doactually have time to do all that I'm doing, if I prioritize and do them well (not perfectly).
Ok, really. Songs.
This need to create myself
Frustration forgotten through slumber
It's there when I wake, defeated before I rise"
(Sixpence None The Richer)
Life for the last couple years, I think, had been feeling very cyclical. Not really a smooth cycle, but more like a roller coaster... after a bumpy ride coming back to where it started, and starting off in the same fashion again. Two successive pregnancies probably was the biggest proponent to this.
Right now, I feel like the tracks have broken and the car is flying through the theme park at an alarming speed and crushing everything it comes in contact with. Repairing the track and returning to the cycle sounds maybe a little comforting, but incredibly suppressing after being in a free fall for a while now.
Ok, maybe that's a little dramatic. To be serious, though, several of my friends are pregnant right now and the thought of being pregnant again, being so tired, sick, then having a newborn that is so dependent.... well the whole idea makes me want to cry. That is not a cycle I want to return to any time very soon.
We have been so busy these last few months it is absurd. I have more things to do than I have time, more inspiration than I have motivation, and more thoughts than I can express or follow through with, or remember. I can't remember anything. Most recently, these last two weeks, I haven't hardly even been sleeping. Which is probably why I can't remember anything.
What I was saying?
Right, inspiration. Tomorrow I am going to an art night at my friend's house. I have several paintings that have been brewing in my brain and I am trying to decide which I should tackle first. But do I have the canvas I need? Maybe I'll go the craft store tomorrow and pick up a big one. But wait, I'm working tomorrow. Oh, and getting my hair done in the morning. Crap, I was gonna practice my set for church on Sunday, before practice on Tuesday, since I'm working all day Tuesday. And now all day Monday is taken up.... when am I going to pick out songs let alone practice? Guess I'm up til midnight again tonight. Maybe I should skip art night? No, I skipped the last two and I am dying to do something creative. I should have picked out songs like, yesterday. What did I do yesterday, anyway? Oh yeah, worked on the house and went to the wedding, took a nap so I'd survive. Man we've gotta finish painting. What day is it? The 18th! I forgot to pay the payroll taxes on Thursday! Dammit! I've gotta do books before I can pay them. I don't have time to do books until at least Wednesday evening....
I feel a little stretched thin, and like I have too many jobs I am not doing very well. Ok, I actually feel like a crazy person. I literally quadrupal booked myself tonight. I was going to pick out my music set and practice, I was going to do the books, I was going to get the house clean, I was going to relax and watch an episode of one of my favorite, inspiring HGTV shows. I'd be thinking about one, and remember something else I had to do, and forget the former, and think of another thing I had to do, and on and on. And subsequently I didn't even realize that I was mentally planning on doing more things than were possible in one evening.
The speaker at church this morning was awesome, talked about about being diligent and how God honors that, etc. At first the thought of diligence overwhelmed me, but then I was thinking about how if I was just diligent about the things I need to do, and do them quickly and well, instead of procrastinating, I would have a lot more time after they were all done. Back to the "just do something". It keeps coming back to haunt me.
On a side, inspired note: Isn't this the greatest bed you've ever seen? A girl can dream. I want to dream. In this bed.
And now, on a motivated note: I better go pick out my songs.
Working on that balance thing. This is going to be a long road, but I couldn't be happier to be on it or have better people to be on the journey with. I think I doactually have time to do all that I'm doing, if I prioritize and do them well (not perfectly).
Ok, really. Songs.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Just DO something.
My babies have been asleep for an hour and I have not done anything. Just surfing the internet, not quite tired enough to go to bed, but feeling too tired to do much of anything and afraid if I do get up and do something, it will wake me up too much, and I will have yet another late night. After several nights 4-6 hours of sleep, I HAVE to catch up a little. An hour ago, I should have just done something. Now I could be in bed.
I have been trying to remind myself, and flylady.net has been reminding me, "just do something".... even for 15 minutes, right? I feel like this has been resounding all around me this week. Over the weekend one of my dear friends and I were talking about her dreams and aspirations, and how it's the fear of not quite knowing what we want that usually stops us. "Just do something," I told her, "what harm will it do?" Take a class, see if you like that field. Don't just think about it forever.
On Sunday the speaker at church was talking about faith, and how it means so little to believe in something if you don't act on it. We can talk about something all day long, but you've gotta have some actions behind those words. Or everyone quickly tires of your talk. He told us how his wife rebuked him after "believing" many months that something was going to change, something was going to break though. "Thank you for being so full of faith, all this time" she told him, "but when are you going to pick up the sword and whack something?" (Of course I was taken back to Sunday school, trying to remember, is faith the sword, or the shield? Or was it the helmet? But I swear, I was listening!)
Regan and I were recently encouraged, in regard to what we believe God has in store for us "it's time to pick up the pace. YOU stir up the gift that's within you. YOU fan flame." We've kind of been waiting around for things to happen, instead of just doing what we have in our hearts to do.
Anyway, the point being, I have been constantly reminded that I need to just do something. Tonight I didn't want to. And now I just want to go to bed. And, I am not going to get all worked up about it, but I hate the unsettled, tense feeling of knowing I didn't get anything done. Had I just taken 15 minutes to do whatever, I would feel a lot more peaceful now. But, there is always tomorrow. And I really need to sleep. So, goodnight!
I have been trying to remind myself, and flylady.net has been reminding me, "just do something".... even for 15 minutes, right? I feel like this has been resounding all around me this week. Over the weekend one of my dear friends and I were talking about her dreams and aspirations, and how it's the fear of not quite knowing what we want that usually stops us. "Just do something," I told her, "what harm will it do?" Take a class, see if you like that field. Don't just think about it forever.
On Sunday the speaker at church was talking about faith, and how it means so little to believe in something if you don't act on it. We can talk about something all day long, but you've gotta have some actions behind those words. Or everyone quickly tires of your talk. He told us how his wife rebuked him after "believing" many months that something was going to change, something was going to break though. "Thank you for being so full of faith, all this time" she told him, "but when are you going to pick up the sword and whack something?" (Of course I was taken back to Sunday school, trying to remember, is faith the sword, or the shield? Or was it the helmet? But I swear, I was listening!)
Regan and I were recently encouraged, in regard to what we believe God has in store for us "it's time to pick up the pace. YOU stir up the gift that's within you. YOU fan flame." We've kind of been waiting around for things to happen, instead of just doing what we have in our hearts to do.
Anyway, the point being, I have been constantly reminded that I need to just do something. Tonight I didn't want to. And now I just want to go to bed. And, I am not going to get all worked up about it, but I hate the unsettled, tense feeling of knowing I didn't get anything done. Had I just taken 15 minutes to do whatever, I would feel a lot more peaceful now. But, there is always tomorrow. And I really need to sleep. So, goodnight!
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Perfectionism
I never actually thought of myself as a much of a perfectionist until I read the paragraph in my last post. I knew I had little lots of things that I was particular about, but didn't realize how much it bled out into other areas of my life.
Interesting, isn't it? How we can be such perfectionists in some ways and not in others? I was thinking that of a couple of you who posted comments, that you have the same laid-back attitude that I have about a lot of things, and yet there is this thread of perfectionism that sometimes cripples, sometimes inspires us. I do agree with Candace, that it isn't always frustrating to strive for perfection, but sometimes it is the very hope we need to keep us going. But, the high of of a job very very very well done (dammit, that closet is CLEAN!) quickly fades when I walk out of the room and am confronted with the fact that the rest of my house is a mess. So, rather than aiming for perfection, and setting myself up for the disappointment when I continually don't reach it, I am aiming for balance. It is that ideal of the more peaceful and balanced life (not perfect, but at least much better) that is my motivation now.
The most crippling way that my perfectionism has taken form is leading me to believe that tasks take much longer to complete than they really do. That I can't just do the dishes really fast, because DOING THE DISHES is a CHORE that will TAKE TIME. Flylady.net says "you can do anything for 15 minutes" and this as sort of alternately inspired, and haunted, and pissed me off for the last few months.
The truth is most things don't even take 15 minutes. I have known this for a long time, shoved way down there underneath the procrastination, and have always balked at the thought of it. I remember distinctly my mom saying things like "We don't have to leave for baseball practice for 10 minutes. Quick: everyone pick up all your stuff lying around the house before we go!" Or her frantically doing dishes before she ran out the door to work. And it made me crazy. Take a chill pill, Mom, I remember thinking. But, I get it now. She had four kids--and a husband who traveled for work--so she was often on her own. It was survival. I feel like I'll be saying those four words a lot: I get it now.
Tonight I decided to put the 15 minute rule into practice. Running off about 3 hours of sleep, I really just wanted to sit down with my cup of tea and type, and go to bed. But, I said I would take just 15 minutes to clean the kitchen first. And just like that! The dishes are done, and the counters are wiped down. I had to force myself to not go anything else after the 15 minutes was up because I was suddenly motivated to go on a cleaning spree. "Balance", I told myself.
And now I am sitting here, blogging peacefully, and not feeling guilty about all the other things I should be doing. And how much more peacefully I will fall asleep knowing I did just what I set out to do. I think this could be addicting.
P.S. Thanks the words of encouragement, everyone! And I have followers! I feel so special!
Interesting, isn't it? How we can be such perfectionists in some ways and not in others? I was thinking that of a couple of you who posted comments, that you have the same laid-back attitude that I have about a lot of things, and yet there is this thread of perfectionism that sometimes cripples, sometimes inspires us. I do agree with Candace, that it isn't always frustrating to strive for perfection, but sometimes it is the very hope we need to keep us going. But, the high of of a job very very very well done (dammit, that closet is CLEAN!) quickly fades when I walk out of the room and am confronted with the fact that the rest of my house is a mess. So, rather than aiming for perfection, and setting myself up for the disappointment when I continually don't reach it, I am aiming for balance. It is that ideal of the more peaceful and balanced life (not perfect, but at least much better) that is my motivation now.
The most crippling way that my perfectionism has taken form is leading me to believe that tasks take much longer to complete than they really do. That I can't just do the dishes really fast, because DOING THE DISHES is a CHORE that will TAKE TIME. Flylady.net says "you can do anything for 15 minutes" and this as sort of alternately inspired, and haunted, and pissed me off for the last few months.
The truth is most things don't even take 15 minutes. I have known this for a long time, shoved way down there underneath the procrastination, and have always balked at the thought of it. I remember distinctly my mom saying things like "We don't have to leave for baseball practice for 10 minutes. Quick: everyone pick up all your stuff lying around the house before we go!" Or her frantically doing dishes before she ran out the door to work. And it made me crazy. Take a chill pill, Mom, I remember thinking. But, I get it now. She had four kids--and a husband who traveled for work--so she was often on her own. It was survival. I feel like I'll be saying those four words a lot: I get it now.
Tonight I decided to put the 15 minute rule into practice. Running off about 3 hours of sleep, I really just wanted to sit down with my cup of tea and type, and go to bed. But, I said I would take just 15 minutes to clean the kitchen first. And just like that! The dishes are done, and the counters are wiped down. I had to force myself to not go anything else after the 15 minutes was up because I was suddenly motivated to go on a cleaning spree. "Balance", I told myself.
And now I am sitting here, blogging peacefully, and not feeling guilty about all the other things I should be doing. And how much more peacefully I will fall asleep knowing I did just what I set out to do. I think this could be addicting.
P.S. Thanks the words of encouragement, everyone! And I have followers! I feel so special!
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Collecting Thoughts
I'll say it again: "Our perfectionism piggy-backed with procrastination puts
us in a coma. We don't know how to make a decision so it is just easier
to do nothing. Sometimes we just want someone to tell us where to start
and what to do." (flylady)
I have never read a sentence that describes me so very well.
I have been meaning for some time to start journaling. I bought a cute journal, some nice pens, and haven't gotten more than 5 thoughts down on paper. So instead, I've decided to start a blog, because the unfortunate truth is that I'm much more likely to type than to write. Oh, this digital age we live in.
Example #1 of my perfectionism: I couldn't post a single blog until I had my blog all laid out and formatted somewhat cutely. I spent hours trying to fumble my way through editing html enough to do what I wanted. I still could not quite do what I wanted, and have learned only a little about html thanks to trial-and-error and several late nights.
Meanwhile, my brain still collected thoughts and my counters collected clutter.
My mom and I were having a conversation tonight about clutter. Mental clutter, physical clutter, emotional clutter, etc. She is on this clutter-abolishing kick and I am wanting to jump on the bandwagon before my brain explodes. Literally, I feel as though if I don't get some things out of my head, and onto paper (or screen), my brain might explode. And if I don't get my house clean, my eyes might explode. And if I don't start accomplishing some of the things that are in my heart to do, my heart might explode. I cannot even explain the heaviness I have been feeling lately. It is unbearable. I am tired of all this, weighing me down.
So I am here, feeling as though this is my dawn, my morning, after the party of the life I have been living these last 8 years, and even though I might be waking up to a mess, it is a new day and that always has promise. It always takes longer to clean up a mess than make it, and usually not as much fun, but there is a thrill in conquering something, isn't there?
I need a more peaceful me, a balanced home for my family, a calm in my heart, a new energy in my steps, and some time to act on my inspirations.
Today I am making the choice to let go of some perfectionism and just do SOMETHING. I have an idea of where to start. And so, I begin.
"Right now it's morning, you're probably sleeping, I bet you're totally unaware of the flood of kisses you hold back by the way that you despair. It ain't me I'm talking about here, or anybody else you can touch. That's all I'm gonna say right now.... I don't wanna say too much." (waterdeep)
us in a coma. We don't know how to make a decision so it is just easier
to do nothing. Sometimes we just want someone to tell us where to start
and what to do." (flylady)
I have never read a sentence that describes me so very well.
I have been meaning for some time to start journaling. I bought a cute journal, some nice pens, and haven't gotten more than 5 thoughts down on paper. So instead, I've decided to start a blog, because the unfortunate truth is that I'm much more likely to type than to write. Oh, this digital age we live in.
Example #1 of my perfectionism: I couldn't post a single blog until I had my blog all laid out and formatted somewhat cutely. I spent hours trying to fumble my way through editing html enough to do what I wanted. I still could not quite do what I wanted, and have learned only a little about html thanks to trial-and-error and several late nights.
Meanwhile, my brain still collected thoughts and my counters collected clutter.
My mom and I were having a conversation tonight about clutter. Mental clutter, physical clutter, emotional clutter, etc. She is on this clutter-abolishing kick and I am wanting to jump on the bandwagon before my brain explodes. Literally, I feel as though if I don't get some things out of my head, and onto paper (or screen), my brain might explode. And if I don't get my house clean, my eyes might explode. And if I don't start accomplishing some of the things that are in my heart to do, my heart might explode. I cannot even explain the heaviness I have been feeling lately. It is unbearable. I am tired of all this, weighing me down.
So I am here, feeling as though this is my dawn, my morning, after the party of the life I have been living these last 8 years, and even though I might be waking up to a mess, it is a new day and that always has promise. It always takes longer to clean up a mess than make it, and usually not as much fun, but there is a thrill in conquering something, isn't there?
I need a more peaceful me, a balanced home for my family, a calm in my heart, a new energy in my steps, and some time to act on my inspirations.
Today I am making the choice to let go of some perfectionism and just do SOMETHING. I have an idea of where to start. And so, I begin.
"Right now it's morning, you're probably sleeping, I bet you're totally unaware of the flood of kisses you hold back by the way that you despair. It ain't me I'm talking about here, or anybody else you can touch. That's all I'm gonna say right now.... I don't wanna say too much." (waterdeep)
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