This need to create myself
Frustration forgotten through slumber
It's there when I wake, defeated before I rise"
(Sixpence None The Richer)
Life for the last couple years, I think, had been feeling very cyclical. Not really a smooth cycle, but more like a roller coaster... after a bumpy ride coming back to where it started, and starting off in the same fashion again. Two successive pregnancies probably was the biggest proponent to this.
Right now, I feel like the tracks have broken and the car is flying through the theme park at an alarming speed and crushing everything it comes in contact with. Repairing the track and returning to the cycle sounds maybe a little comforting, but incredibly suppressing after being in a free fall for a while now.
Ok, maybe that's a little dramatic. To be serious, though, several of my friends are pregnant right now and the thought of being pregnant again, being so tired, sick, then having a newborn that is so dependent.... well the whole idea makes me want to cry. That is not a cycle I want to return to any time very soon.
We have been so busy these last few months it is absurd. I have more things to do than I have time, more inspiration than I have motivation, and more thoughts than I can express or follow through with, or remember. I can't remember anything. Most recently, these last two weeks, I haven't hardly even been sleeping. Which is probably why I can't remember anything.
What I was saying?
Right, inspiration. Tomorrow I am going to an art night at my friend's house. I have several paintings that have been brewing in my brain and I am trying to decide which I should tackle first. But do I have the canvas I need? Maybe I'll go the craft store tomorrow and pick up a big one. But wait, I'm working tomorrow. Oh, and getting my hair done in the morning. Crap, I was gonna practice my set for church on Sunday, before practice on Tuesday, since I'm working all day Tuesday. And now all day Monday is taken up.... when am I going to pick out songs let alone practice? Guess I'm up til midnight again tonight. Maybe I should skip art night? No, I skipped the last two and I am dying to do something creative. I should have picked out songs like, yesterday. What did I do yesterday, anyway? Oh yeah, worked on the house and went to the wedding, took a nap so I'd survive. Man we've gotta finish painting. What day is it? The 18th! I forgot to pay the payroll taxes on Thursday! Dammit! I've gotta do books before I can pay them. I don't have time to do books until at least Wednesday evening....
I feel a little stretched thin, and like I have too many jobs I am not doing very well. Ok, I actually feel like a crazy person. I literally quadrupal booked myself tonight. I was going to pick out my music set and practice, I was going to do the books, I was going to get the house clean, I was going to relax and watch an episode of one of my favorite, inspiring HGTV shows. I'd be thinking about one, and remember something else I had to do, and forget the former, and think of another thing I had to do, and on and on. And subsequently I didn't even realize that I was mentally planning on doing more things than were possible in one evening.
The speaker at church this morning was awesome, talked about about being diligent and how God honors that, etc. At first the thought of diligence overwhelmed me, but then I was thinking about how if I was just diligent about the things I need to do, and do them quickly and well, instead of procrastinating, I would have a lot more time after they were all done. Back to the "just do something". It keeps coming back to haunt me.
On a side, inspired note: Isn't this the greatest bed you've ever seen? A girl can dream. I want to dream. In this bed.
And now, on a motivated note: I better go pick out my songs.
Working on that balance thing. This is going to be a long road, but I couldn't be happier to be on it or have better people to be on the journey with. I think I doactually have time to do all that I'm doing, if I prioritize and do them well (not perfectly).
Ok, really. Songs.
Great post... I can relate in a lot of ways. I think diligence pays off hugely in the end but i also think its extremely important to enjoy every day right now, your kids are young only one and you are 20 for only a few short years... don't feel bad when you skip things that you just don't have time for or don't feel like doing... don't worry too much about work or keeping the house clean, just soak in the happy moments and take time to yourself, for your art class! I know its easier said than done, im constantly giving myself this advice and forgetting to follow it. prioritize is always what i tell myself, if im in to work 10 minutes late because i was cuddling with Lennon a few extra moments in the morning, whatever... if Jude colors all over walls annnd my macbook (for the fourth time this week) don't freak, i love her art work and we can paint our walls in 4 months when she's passed that phase. Whatever happens i think family is paramount, as is personal happiness and achievement (if mama aint happy, no ones happy!...at least thats the way it works in my house). I definitely think life would be way easier with that bed though ;)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the encouragement, Chels :) You are wise, reminding yourself to keep the priorities straight and those babies first. I need to remind myself, too, when I start to get wrapped up in what can feel like failure after failure... when I am feeling disheartened by the chaos. Art night was amaaazing and I got two big paintings done. Even though I only got 2½ hours of sleep last night I am still feeling a high from being creative and enjoying myself so thoroughly!
ReplyDeleteLOVE the bed.....:)
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