"You're so put together; I'm another planet"

For a few moments, I was feeling particularly inspired, as I sat here doing bookwork and listening to a lovely album. It seems to have come and gone. (Like that thing you remember you needed on the other side of the grocery store, and by the time you get there you can't for the life of you what it was. And you get home and realize, duh, you were out of hand soap.)

At the moment the only thing I remember passing through my mind is the topic of mom-guilt. My sister-in-law commented on Facebook about earning 3 points of mom-guilt for being on the internet instead of folding laundry, or something like that. Anyway, got me thinking about my day and why it was so crummy. I realized it was piled high with mom-guilt. Both the kids are sick, I am sick, and it was a long, awful day. Finn was whiny. He sneezed every 5 minutes, flinging green slime all over his mouth which he attempted to wipe away but just smeared into his hair, and cried every time I tried to wipe his nose (which of course was every 5 minutes). Ellie threw tantrums when I tried to (even gently) discipline her or get her dressed or get her to do anything besides watch movies (which I let her do lots today.... 10 points of mom-guilt right there.). Neither of them would eat anything I prepared for them. And 30 minutes later were hungry. I didn't have an appetite and was crabby because I was hungry. The cold weather and being cooped up inside has Ellie antsy and she got into more trouble than usual. I keep saying that I am going to plan some activities for the kids and I to do, to keep us busy this winter, but my days have been more like damage control because those antsy children are making bigger messes than usual, I have been busier than usual, and the house isn't messier than usual but I am trying to keep it clean more than usual. I feel like I spend half the day hollering at the kids (25 points of mom guilt), a quarter of the day cleaning (5 points of mom guilt, because I feel like I am ignoring the kids), and the other quarter slumped into a pile on the couch, zoning out, doing whatever on the computer, and praying that Daddy will be home early (15 more points of mom-guilt). When he does get home, I feel the need to be crabby and express my amount of distress over how crazy the children were, attempting to soothe my guilt over the whole day by trying to make him understand that I really DID do something today.... I think... and the kids were just SO crabby.... and I am SO tired....

Please, hold all the "don't feel guilty" and "you can't do everything" comments. This isn't all my days. Most of the mom-guilt comes from the fact that I know I can, and should, do better. It's OK to have "one of those days" but when "those days" start to happen more frequently than the "good days" we know there's a problem. My mom-guilt justification is fed by the fact that many of my other mom-friends are telling me they feel the exact same way. Regan (rightly) says that I let the kids get to me too much. In my last post I wrote about feeling so defeated sometimes by them, how I feel like I never get a step ahead, or I wake up with energy and motivated, and it is so quickly sucked out of me.

A beloved Rilo Kiley lyric rings through my head: "You say I choose sadness, that it never once had chosen me. Maybe you're right." or Don Chaffer "You're addicted to your sadness, it creates the touch of madness: the kind you like inside your veins." Replace "sadness" with crabby/guilty/defensive/stressed out mom and I'd say that's me. So I am trying to figure out how to fix it, how to give myself one big attitude adjustment, enjoy these days with my kids, balance the chores and the quality time. I need a day I can feel good about. Where I can say I did what I could, spent good time with the kids, and we were all better for it. I feel like those days they are harder to come by in the winter, but not impossible. This is a new phase of momhood that I am entering with (almost) two (sometimes three) toddlers on my hands. I am rather ill-prepared. Suggestions appreciated.

-- A quick note that the title quote is from Amy Seeley's new album, "Plum Coulee", coming out tomorrow. My brother Ryan, with a little help from Regan, recorded and produced the album. It has been serenading me this evening. You should own it.