A month has escaped me.

I try to recall what has happened the last month, but I am really not sure about the details. It's a blur. As a I logged onto Blogger last night, ignoring my disaster house and responsibilities, determined to write, I was shocked and appalled to discover it has been a month since my last real post. I knew it had been a while, maybe a couple weeks, but a MONTH?!? WTF??!?! (Yeah, there's some classy English language at work.) I didn't get to write. I couldn't get the babies to sleep, I talked to my mom on the phone, and then Regan was home, and the night had escaped me.

Most recently, there has been a lot happening that has been pressing hard on my mind and heart. I'm reminded of the movie United States of Leland, where (spoiler alert!) a sweet teenage boy is so intensely overwhelmed by the sadness that surrounds him in the world he feels compelled to end the life of his girlfriend's mentally disabled little brother, "to set him free", "because he seemed so sad". Don't worry, I'm not saying that I am going to go kill a retarded kid. I am saying that I have felt so completely overwhelmed by the things going on around me, and maybe understand how it can make you a little crazy, make you lose perspective.

Ellie is deeply affected by things that are sad, or if someone is hurt. If a character in one of her books looks sad, she finds it over and over, stares at with a concerned look, and says "he's sad, Momma." "Why is he sad?" "He's crying, Momma." I try to divert her. I said something to Regan about a friend being sick and Ellie talked about it for a month after she heard that one conversation. I was perplexed at first where this intensity came from. Until I realized she got it from me.

I have always had a really hard time watching intense movies, or reading about social injustice, sickness, genocide, wars, scandals. I couldn't handle Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind because it made me feel crazy--like I was going to go crazy. I hate scary movies, or ones that involve infidelity. It leaves my heart so heavy.

I generally avoid this by just not letting a lot of things hit home: Not reading much news, being careful what kind of movies I watch or books I read. This week a lot of things have hit much too close to home. Relationships of dear friends dissolving, people I care about struggling in addictions, an acquaintance's 5-year-old daughter passing away after a rigorous, year-long battle with cancer. Friends and family without jobs. I have returned 3 times to the blog entry relating the loss of the above mentioned 5-year-old's family. Reading again about her 8-year-old older brother saying, "I can't be a brother without a sister." And I can't fight back the tears, and I go check on my babies as they sleep, and kiss them both, and pray that God keep them safe.

We have been so incredibly busy this last month, I literally have not had the time--or if I have had the time, not the mental energy--to post anything and sort through some of my thoughts. There have been lots of positives: Regan has been around more, my babies have been learning and growing like crazy (and are so sweet), we have been having fun as a little family. And, although the schedule has been rigorous, we have been enjoying being more involved at church and working on things together. But, "something's gotta give", Regan and I agreed as we, again ignoring our messy house, sat on the porch last night drinking a glass of wine and enjoying the responsibility of spending some time together, talking.

So, we continue on our quest for balance. As we sat, and drank, and got chilly as night fell, we discussed trying to find the balance between regular life and ministry, between giving and receiving, between working hard and relaxing. Lately it has been a pendulum, and it needs to stop swinging at such an alarming speed. And I search for the balance between sharing each other's burdens, and letting things go. Caring, perhaps, without being so overwhelmed by the ache I feel in my heart for those hurting around me.

My God, be with us all.