Inspiration, motivation, mental constipation.

"These things which I so often wonder
This need to create myself
Frustration forgotten through slumber
It's there when I wake, defeated before I rise"
(Sixpence None The Richer)

Life for the last couple years, I think, had been feeling very cyclical. Not really a smooth cycle, but more like a roller coaster... after a bumpy ride coming back to where it started, and starting off in the same fashion again. Two successive pregnancies probably was the biggest proponent to this.

Right now, I feel like the tracks have broken and the car is flying through the theme park at an alarming speed and crushing everything it comes in contact with. Repairing the track and returning to the cycle sounds maybe a little comforting, but incredibly suppressing after being in a free fall for a while now.

Ok, maybe that's a little dramatic. To be serious, though, several of my friends are pregnant right now and the thought of being pregnant again, being so tired, sick, then having a newborn that is so dependent.... well the whole idea makes me want to cry. That is not a cycle I want to return to any time very soon.

We have been so busy these last few months it is absurd. I have more things to do than I have time, more inspiration than I have motivation, and more thoughts than I can express or follow through with, or remember. I can't remember anything. Most recently, these last two weeks, I haven't hardly even been sleeping. Which is probably why I can't remember anything.

What I was saying?

Right, inspiration. Tomorrow I am going to an art night at my friend's house. I have several paintings that have been brewing in my brain and I am trying to decide which I should tackle first. But do I have the canvas I need? Maybe I'll go the craft store tomorrow and pick up a big one. But wait, I'm working tomorrow. Oh, and getting my hair done in the morning. Crap, I was gonna practice my set for church on Sunday, before practice on Tuesday, since I'm working all day Tuesday. And now all day Monday is taken up.... when am I going to pick out songs let alone practice? Guess I'm up til midnight again tonight. Maybe I should skip art night? No, I skipped the last two and I am dying to do something creative. I should have picked out songs like, yesterday. What did I do yesterday, anyway? Oh yeah, worked on the house and went to the wedding, took a nap so I'd survive. Man we've gotta finish painting. What day is it? The 18th! I forgot to pay the payroll taxes on Thursday! Dammit! I've gotta do books before I can pay them. I don't have time to do books until at least Wednesday evening....

I feel a little stretched thin, and like I have too many jobs I am not doing very well. Ok, I actually feel like a crazy person. I literally quadrupal booked myself tonight. I was going to pick out my music set and practice, I was going to do the books, I was going to get the house clean, I was going to relax and watch an episode of one of my favorite, inspiring HGTV shows. I'd be thinking about one, and remember something else I had to do, and forget the former, and think of another thing I had to do, and on and on. And subsequently I didn't even realize that I was mentally planning on doing more things than were possible in one evening.

The speaker at church this morning was awesome, talked about about being diligent and how God honors that, etc. At first the thought of diligence overwhelmed me, but then I was thinking about how if I was just diligent about the things I need to do, and do them quickly and well, instead of procrastinating, I would have a lot more time after they were all done. Back to the "just do something". It keeps coming back to haunt me.

On a side, inspired note: Isn't this the greatest bed you've ever seen? A girl can dream. I want to dream. In this bed.



And now, on a motivated note: I better go pick out my songs.

Working on that balance thing. This is going to be a long road, but I couldn't be happier to be on it or have better people to be on the journey with. I think I doactually have time to do all that I'm doing, if I prioritize and do them well (not perfectly).

Ok, really. Songs.

Just DO something.

My babies have been asleep for an hour and I have not done anything. Just surfing the internet, not quite tired enough to go to bed, but feeling too tired to do much of anything and afraid if I do get up and do something, it will wake me up too much, and I will have yet another late night. After several nights 4-6 hours of sleep, I HAVE to catch up a little. An hour ago, I should have just done something. Now I could be in bed.

I have been trying to remind myself, and flylady.net has been reminding me, "just do something".... even for 15 minutes, right? I feel like this has been resounding all around me this week. Over the weekend one of my dear friends and I were talking about her dreams and aspirations, and how it's the fear of not quite knowing what we want that usually stops us. "Just do something," I told her, "what harm will it do?" Take a class, see if you like that field. Don't just think about it forever.

On Sunday the speaker at church was talking about faith, and how it means so little to believe in something if you don't act on it. We can talk about something all day long, but you've gotta have some actions behind those words. Or everyone quickly tires of your talk. He told us how his wife rebuked him after "believing" many months that something was going to change, something was going to break though. "Thank you for being so full of faith, all this time" she told him, "but when are you going to pick up the sword and whack something?" (Of course I was taken back to Sunday school, trying to remember, is faith the sword, or the shield? Or was it the helmet? But I swear, I was listening!)

Regan and I were recently encouraged, in regard to what we believe God has in store for us "it's time to pick up the pace. YOU stir up the gift that's within you. YOU fan flame." We've kind of been waiting around for things to happen, instead of just doing what we have in our hearts to do.

Anyway, the point being, I have been constantly reminded that I need to just do something. Tonight I didn't want to. And now I just want to go to bed. And, I am not going to get all worked up about it, but I hate the unsettled, tense feeling of knowing I didn't get anything done. Had I just taken 15 minutes to do whatever, I would feel a lot more peaceful now. But, there is always tomorrow. And I really need to sleep. So, goodnight!

Perfectionism

I never actually thought of myself as a much of a perfectionist until I read the paragraph in my last post. I knew I had little lots of things that I was particular about, but didn't realize how much it bled out into other areas of my life.

Interesting, isn't it? How we can be such perfectionists in some ways and not in others? I was thinking that of a couple of you who posted comments, that you have the same laid-back attitude that I have about a lot of things, and yet there is this thread of perfectionism that sometimes cripples, sometimes inspires us. I do agree with Candace, that it isn't always frustrating to strive for perfection, but sometimes it is the very hope we need to keep us going. But, the high of of a job very very very well done (dammit, that closet is CLEAN!) quickly fades when I walk out of the room and am confronted with the fact that the rest of my house is a mess. So, rather than aiming for perfection, and setting myself up for the disappointment when I continually don't reach it, I am aiming for balance. It is that ideal of the more peaceful and balanced life (not perfect, but at least much better) that is my motivation now.

The most crippling way that my perfectionism has taken form is leading me to believe that tasks take much longer to complete than they really do. That I can't just do the dishes really fast, because DOING THE DISHES is a CHORE that will TAKE TIME. Flylady.net says "you can do anything for 15 minutes" and this as sort of alternately inspired, and haunted, and pissed me off for the last few months.

The truth is most things don't even take 15 minutes. I have known this for a long time, shoved way down there underneath the procrastination, and have always balked at the thought of it. I remember distinctly my mom saying things like "We don't have to leave for baseball practice for 10 minutes. Quick: everyone pick up all your stuff lying around the house before we go!" Or her frantically doing dishes before she ran out the door to work. And it made me crazy. Take a chill pill, Mom, I remember thinking. But, I get it now. She had four kids--and a husband who traveled for work--so she was often on her own. It was survival. I feel like I'll be saying those four words a lot: I get it now.

Tonight I decided to put the 15 minute rule into practice. Running off about 3 hours of sleep, I really just wanted to sit down with my cup of tea and type, and go to bed. But, I said I would take just 15 minutes to clean the kitchen first. And just like that! The dishes are done, and the counters are wiped down. I had to force myself to not go anything else after the 15 minutes was up because I was suddenly motivated to go on a cleaning spree. "Balance", I told myself.

And now I am sitting here, blogging peacefully, and not feeling guilty about all the other things I should be doing. And how much more peacefully I will fall asleep knowing I did just what I set out to do. I think this could be addicting.

P.S. Thanks the words of encouragement, everyone! And I have followers! I feel so special!

Collecting Thoughts

I'll say it again: "Our perfectionism piggy-backed with procrastination puts
us in a coma. We don't know how to make a decision so it is just easier
to do nothing. Sometimes we just want someone to tell us where to start
and what to do." (flylady)

I have never read a sentence that describes me so very well.

I have been meaning for some time to start journaling. I bought a cute journal, some nice pens, and haven't gotten more than 5 thoughts down on paper. So instead, I've decided to start a blog, because the unfortunate truth is that I'm much more likely to type than to write. Oh, this digital age we live in.

Example #1 of my perfectionism: I couldn't post a single blog until I had my blog all laid out and formatted somewhat cutely. I spent hours trying to fumble my way through editing html enough to do what I wanted. I still could not quite do what I wanted, and have learned only a little about html thanks to trial-and-error and several late nights.

Meanwhile, my brain still collected thoughts and my counters collected clutter.

My mom and I were having a conversation tonight about clutter. Mental clutter, physical clutter, emotional clutter, etc. She is on this clutter-abolishing kick and I am wanting to jump on the bandwagon before my brain explodes. Literally, I feel as though if I don't get some things out of my head, and onto paper (or screen), my brain might explode. And if I don't get my house clean, my eyes might explode. And if I don't start accomplishing some of the things that are in my heart to do, my heart might explode. I cannot even explain the heaviness I have been feeling lately. It is unbearable. I am tired of all this, weighing me down.

So I am here, feeling as though this is my dawn, my morning, after the party of the life I have been living these last 8 years, and even though I might be waking up to a mess, it is a new day and that always has promise. It always takes longer to clean up a mess than make it, and usually not as much fun, but there is a thrill in conquering something, isn't there?

I need a more peaceful me, a balanced home for my family, a calm in my heart, a new energy in my steps, and some time to act on my inspirations.

Today I am making the choice to let go of some perfectionism and just do SOMETHING. I have an idea of where to start. And so, I begin.

"Right now it's morning, you're probably sleeping, I bet you're totally unaware of the flood of kisses you hold back by the way that you despair. It ain't me I'm talking about here, or anybody else you can touch. That's all I'm gonna say right now.... I don't wanna say too much." (waterdeep)