"You're so put together; I'm another planet"

For a few moments, I was feeling particularly inspired, as I sat here doing bookwork and listening to a lovely album. It seems to have come and gone. (Like that thing you remember you needed on the other side of the grocery store, and by the time you get there you can't for the life of you what it was. And you get home and realize, duh, you were out of hand soap.)

At the moment the only thing I remember passing through my mind is the topic of mom-guilt. My sister-in-law commented on Facebook about earning 3 points of mom-guilt for being on the internet instead of folding laundry, or something like that. Anyway, got me thinking about my day and why it was so crummy. I realized it was piled high with mom-guilt. Both the kids are sick, I am sick, and it was a long, awful day. Finn was whiny. He sneezed every 5 minutes, flinging green slime all over his mouth which he attempted to wipe away but just smeared into his hair, and cried every time I tried to wipe his nose (which of course was every 5 minutes). Ellie threw tantrums when I tried to (even gently) discipline her or get her dressed or get her to do anything besides watch movies (which I let her do lots today.... 10 points of mom-guilt right there.). Neither of them would eat anything I prepared for them. And 30 minutes later were hungry. I didn't have an appetite and was crabby because I was hungry. The cold weather and being cooped up inside has Ellie antsy and she got into more trouble than usual. I keep saying that I am going to plan some activities for the kids and I to do, to keep us busy this winter, but my days have been more like damage control because those antsy children are making bigger messes than usual, I have been busier than usual, and the house isn't messier than usual but I am trying to keep it clean more than usual. I feel like I spend half the day hollering at the kids (25 points of mom guilt), a quarter of the day cleaning (5 points of mom guilt, because I feel like I am ignoring the kids), and the other quarter slumped into a pile on the couch, zoning out, doing whatever on the computer, and praying that Daddy will be home early (15 more points of mom-guilt). When he does get home, I feel the need to be crabby and express my amount of distress over how crazy the children were, attempting to soothe my guilt over the whole day by trying to make him understand that I really DID do something today.... I think... and the kids were just SO crabby.... and I am SO tired....

Please, hold all the "don't feel guilty" and "you can't do everything" comments. This isn't all my days. Most of the mom-guilt comes from the fact that I know I can, and should, do better. It's OK to have "one of those days" but when "those days" start to happen more frequently than the "good days" we know there's a problem. My mom-guilt justification is fed by the fact that many of my other mom-friends are telling me they feel the exact same way. Regan (rightly) says that I let the kids get to me too much. In my last post I wrote about feeling so defeated sometimes by them, how I feel like I never get a step ahead, or I wake up with energy and motivated, and it is so quickly sucked out of me.

A beloved Rilo Kiley lyric rings through my head: "You say I choose sadness, that it never once had chosen me. Maybe you're right." or Don Chaffer "You're addicted to your sadness, it creates the touch of madness: the kind you like inside your veins." Replace "sadness" with crabby/guilty/defensive/stressed out mom and I'd say that's me. So I am trying to figure out how to fix it, how to give myself one big attitude adjustment, enjoy these days with my kids, balance the chores and the quality time. I need a day I can feel good about. Where I can say I did what I could, spent good time with the kids, and we were all better for it. I feel like those days they are harder to come by in the winter, but not impossible. This is a new phase of momhood that I am entering with (almost) two (sometimes three) toddlers on my hands. I am rather ill-prepared. Suggestions appreciated.

-- A quick note that the title quote is from Amy Seeley's new album, "Plum Coulee", coming out tomorrow. My brother Ryan, with a little help from Regan, recorded and produced the album. It has been serenading me this evening. You should own it.

Autumn

Fall has always been my favorite season. I am really not a hot-weather person. I melt in the heat. I get crabby. So, fall comes, like a breath of fresh air, reviving my soul after August has sucked the life out of it. I want to buy school supplies, I get out all my sweaters, and I suddenly feel like I could conquer the world.

This year has been unusual, though. Summer in Helena was more than just bearable, it was downright lovely.... with lots of rain to keep things green, temperatures rarely over 90, and two toddlers who I could shoo out the door most of the day to explore the back yard, splash in their pool, and stay out of my hair! Fall came late, and as it approached I found myself apprehensive, dreading the long winter that I knew would be following it. Isn't that just how we are, not enjoying the beauty we have at hand because we are anticipating what is next, whether bad or good. But, God has been gracious, and Fall has lasted long this year, and I am finally relishing in it's loveliness. Buying a new sweater or two has definitely helped get me in the spirit. And, maybe a couple of hats. And a scarf. OK, that's all.

I have not written a blog in so long because I feel like every time I have tried I have just been complaining. I have been so busy, working lots extra and just trying to keep up with life in general. Finn has been teething, then sick. I have been doing a little better on keeping up with house work. So, what else is there to talk about? I cannot deny that lately, at times, I feel so defeated. I feel defeated by the pile of laundry I can never catch up, by the kids destroying the house I just cleaned, by the pile of bills I need to sit down and pay. Thankfully we always have money to pay them, but bookkeeping is what I do for a living and therefore I never want to do it for myself. Usually there is more of feeling alternately defeated and inspired, especially in the fall, but I have had a hard time finding inspiration. I am just so darn tired.

Today felt like practically the best day in my life, however. The kid's cold has been threatening to catch me;, working way too much and sleeping way too little have been wearing on me. So, I dropped the kids off at Theresa's, called in to work, went home and slept most of the day, ran errands, and then picked up the kids and enjoyed the rest of the evening with them and Regan. Oh, how much I needed that.

I still don't know what to say, how to not sound like I'm complaining. So, I will end with this: Thank you God for this beautiful weather, for providing us with everything we need, for my wonderful and flexible job, and for great friends who take care of our children. And for the great new hats and sweater I found at awesome prices.

Amen.