Well you know what they say about stress....

It'll kill you.

The statistics are shocking. Stress makes just about every ailment worse, and makes whole new ailments of its own. Read the symptoms .... it'll make you want to go meditate in a hot bath before you die of a heart attack or start blowing coke.

I was talking to a friend the other day who said something like "I've been surprised at how poorly I react [to stress]. I mean, I thought I'd be fine, that I'd handle it better." I found myself agreeing with him wholeheartedly.

Have you ever had those times in your life that feel so utterly out of control? Things have been so busy around here, and I've been left thinking "How did we even get here? When did we agree to all of this?" Obviously, the moment we got married, conceived our children, bought a house.... we agreed to a whole new level of responsibility. But when did we agree to goings-on every night, tag-teaming the kids and not talking for days because we just haven't seen each other, working so much, having so many friends to try and keep up with?

I thought I'd be fine, that I'd handle it better.

I was reading that stress is rooted in fear. So what is it that we're all afraid of? That we won't be able to do it all? That we're gonna lose our friends if we don't say yes to that dinner date? Don't get me wrong, I want to see you, I just don't want something going on Friday night when I had music practice Monday, went to bed early Tuesday, worked on Wednesday, caught up on dishes and laundry on Thursday.

I haven't yet figured out how to balance my mom and non-mom life. I am a very focused sort of person about a lot of things. I can't paint or read with the kids running around and interrupting me. I can't not feel guilty for plopping them in front of the TV just so I can do so. I think my number one fear in motherhood, which leads me to try to do it all, is that I will lose my identity. That I will become just "the mom". Not the artist, not the musician, not an educated and well-read person, not the entrepreneur, not the problem solver at whatever job I'm in. And there lies the root of most of my stress, I think, is that I am trying to be so many things, and do all the things that I love while being Mom. And I can't figure out how to do both of them and still get enough sleep to be a nice person. And I can't figure out how to care for myself and everyone else enough, so I either feel selfish or deprived.

I am still near the beginning of my journey towards finding balance. But, I've got a long life ahead of me.... If the stress doesn't kill me.

These Are The Days

Today, the supposed end of the world, a particularly apocalyptic-themed song was stuck in my head. I only knew one line until I looked up the rest of the lyrics just now and had to chuckle at the irony. "These, these are the days that must happen to you" danced in and out of my head all day.

"These are the days...." I said to myself in a sigh of relief last week, when the sun was out and the kids played outside, when I was productive, patient, accessible. When the babies slept not like babies but more like logs and ate what I put in front of them. These are the days being a mother is so easy.

And "These are the days...." I thought to myself yesterday, when it rained all day, the toddlers were underfoot and vied for my attention, watched too many movies and ate too many crackers. I was tired, short-tempered, and feeling defeated. These are the days I think, "I cannot possibly have any more children". These are the days that feel a little like the end of the world.

They aren't. "Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet".

I have been collecting thoughts all winter, and I'm excited to come out of hibernation and share them with you.