I have so many unfinished blog posts from the last year. I started this post 3 months ago, but never finished it. Reading back on this post totally made me cry... I am so glad I am not sick anymore. I decided to just go ahead and put this one up the way it is:
October 28th, 2011
I am a bit of a blogging failure. It's been almost 6 months since my last post, but I'm going to go ahead and ignore that fact and carry on like it hasn't been so long since we've seen each other. Or, heard each other. Err, read each other. I guess I am not sure what to call it.
I am pregnant. There, I said it, not in some clever way or with some cute remarks. "There will be another Clancy soon", "Another one on the way", "The happy news!"... I am ready to punch myself in the face. I am 7 weeks and 2 days pregnant, although I haven't really been pregnant for 7 weeks and 2 days. I always thought it was weird that they start counting from before conception, at the time of your last period. Whatever.
The first trimester, two out of three times now, is what I can remember to be one of the hardest times in my life. I don't remember what it was like when I was pregnant with Finn, really. I remember Theresa dropping 3-month-old Caleb off at my house at 7:45, and I was always sleeping on the couch. Regan had been gone to work since 6, Ellie up since 5:30, and by 7:45 she was already down for a nap. Caleb would lay and play on the floor as long as he could stand it while I dozed, or cuddle up on the couch with me. I remember being desperate for a nap and thinking I was going to lose it when I couldn't get those babies to nap at the same time. I did my best to make it to work two days a week and try not to throw up while I was there. That is pretty much all I remember of that first trimester. But with Ellie, I remember vividly the aching loneliness, the completely blank and hollow feeling in my brain that I have now. I have nothing to talk about. I feel like I don't even think about anything. I am just tired, and nauseous, completely without motivation or inspiration or much emotion. I remember wanting to hang out with people, but not wanting to call them up because I felt like I was just such a bummer to be around. I worked full-time then and I had such a hard time making it to work, and always lost my breakfast once I got there.
Oh, the first trimester. Everyone knows in the back of their mind that you're pregnant, but without a kicking belly to show for it no one is really interested. So, I sit at home, nauseated, ready for bed but not wanting to go to bed; with nothing I feel like I have energy to do, nothing really to think about, just blank. 14 weeks will come, and I won't be sick anymore. But it's not just the morning sickness. It's actually having energy to do.... anything. To be.... someone.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Well you know what they say about stress....
It'll kill you.
The statistics are shocking. Stress makes just about every ailment worse, and makes whole new ailments of its own. Read the symptoms .... it'll make you want to go meditate in a hot bath before you die of a heart attack or start blowing coke.
I was talking to a friend the other day who said something like "I've been surprised at how poorly I react [to stress]. I mean, I thought I'd be fine, that I'd handle it better." I found myself agreeing with him wholeheartedly.
Have you ever had those times in your life that feel so utterly out of control? Things have been so busy around here, and I've been left thinking "How did we even get here? When did we agree to all of this?" Obviously, the moment we got married, conceived our children, bought a house.... we agreed to a whole new level of responsibility. But when did we agree to goings-on every night, tag-teaming the kids and not talking for days because we just haven't seen each other, working so much, having so many friends to try and keep up with?
I thought I'd be fine, that I'd handle it better.
I was reading that stress is rooted in fear. So what is it that we're all afraid of? That we won't be able to do it all? That we're gonna lose our friends if we don't say yes to that dinner date? Don't get me wrong, I want to see you, I just don't want something going on Friday night when I had music practice Monday, went to bed early Tuesday, worked on Wednesday, caught up on dishes and laundry on Thursday.
I haven't yet figured out how to balance my mom and non-mom life. I am a very focused sort of person about a lot of things. I can't paint or read with the kids running around and interrupting me. I can't not feel guilty for plopping them in front of the TV just so I can do so. I think my number one fear in motherhood, which leads me to try to do it all, is that I will lose my identity. That I will become just "the mom". Not the artist, not the musician, not an educated and well-read person, not the entrepreneur, not the problem solver at whatever job I'm in. And there lies the root of most of my stress, I think, is that I am trying to be so many things, and do all the things that I love while being Mom. And I can't figure out how to do both of them and still get enough sleep to be a nice person. And I can't figure out how to care for myself and everyone else enough, so I either feel selfish or deprived.
I am still near the beginning of my journey towards finding balance. But, I've got a long life ahead of me.... If the stress doesn't kill me.
The statistics are shocking. Stress makes just about every ailment worse, and makes whole new ailments of its own. Read the symptoms .... it'll make you want to go meditate in a hot bath before you die of a heart attack or start blowing coke.
I was talking to a friend the other day who said something like "I've been surprised at how poorly I react [to stress]. I mean, I thought I'd be fine, that I'd handle it better." I found myself agreeing with him wholeheartedly.
Have you ever had those times in your life that feel so utterly out of control? Things have been so busy around here, and I've been left thinking "How did we even get here? When did we agree to all of this?" Obviously, the moment we got married, conceived our children, bought a house.... we agreed to a whole new level of responsibility. But when did we agree to goings-on every night, tag-teaming the kids and not talking for days because we just haven't seen each other, working so much, having so many friends to try and keep up with?
I thought I'd be fine, that I'd handle it better.
I was reading that stress is rooted in fear. So what is it that we're all afraid of? That we won't be able to do it all? That we're gonna lose our friends if we don't say yes to that dinner date? Don't get me wrong, I want to see you, I just don't want something going on Friday night when I had music practice Monday, went to bed early Tuesday, worked on Wednesday, caught up on dishes and laundry on Thursday.
I haven't yet figured out how to balance my mom and non-mom life. I am a very focused sort of person about a lot of things. I can't paint or read with the kids running around and interrupting me. I can't not feel guilty for plopping them in front of the TV just so I can do so. I think my number one fear in motherhood, which leads me to try to do it all, is that I will lose my identity. That I will become just "the mom". Not the artist, not the musician, not an educated and well-read person, not the entrepreneur, not the problem solver at whatever job I'm in. And there lies the root of most of my stress, I think, is that I am trying to be so many things, and do all the things that I love while being Mom. And I can't figure out how to do both of them and still get enough sleep to be a nice person. And I can't figure out how to care for myself and everyone else enough, so I either feel selfish or deprived.
I am still near the beginning of my journey towards finding balance. But, I've got a long life ahead of me.... If the stress doesn't kill me.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
These Are The Days
Today, the supposed end of the world, a particularly apocalyptic-themed song was stuck in my head. I only knew one line until I looked up the rest of the lyrics just now and had to chuckle at the irony. "These, these are the days that must happen to you" danced in and out of my head all day.
"These are the days...." I said to myself in a sigh of relief last week, when the sun was out and the kids played outside, when I was productive, patient, accessible. When the babies slept not like babies but more like logs and ate what I put in front of them. These are the days being a mother is so easy.
And "These are the days...." I thought to myself yesterday, when it rained all day, the toddlers were underfoot and vied for my attention, watched too many movies and ate too many crackers. I was tired, short-tempered, and feeling defeated. These are the days I think, "I cannot possibly have any more children". These are the days that feel a little like the end of the world.
They aren't. "Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet".
I have been collecting thoughts all winter, and I'm excited to come out of hibernation and share them with you.
"These are the days...." I said to myself in a sigh of relief last week, when the sun was out and the kids played outside, when I was productive, patient, accessible. When the babies slept not like babies but more like logs and ate what I put in front of them. These are the days being a mother is so easy.
And "These are the days...." I thought to myself yesterday, when it rained all day, the toddlers were underfoot and vied for my attention, watched too many movies and ate too many crackers. I was tired, short-tempered, and feeling defeated. These are the days I think, "I cannot possibly have any more children". These are the days that feel a little like the end of the world.
They aren't. "Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet".
I have been collecting thoughts all winter, and I'm excited to come out of hibernation and share them with you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)