I have so many unfinished blog posts from the last year. I started this post 3 months ago, but never finished it. Reading back on this post totally made me cry... I am so glad I am not sick anymore. I decided to just go ahead and put this one up the way it is:
October 28th, 2011
I am a bit of a blogging failure. It's been almost 6 months since my last post, but I'm going to go ahead and ignore that fact and carry on like it hasn't been so long since we've seen each other. Or, heard each other. Err, read each other. I guess I am not sure what to call it.
I am pregnant. There, I said it, not in some clever way or with some cute remarks. "There will be another Clancy soon", "Another one on the way", "The happy news!"... I am ready to punch myself in the face. I am 7 weeks and 2 days pregnant, although I haven't really been pregnant for 7 weeks and 2 days. I always thought it was weird that they start counting from before conception, at the time of your last period. Whatever.
The first trimester, two out of three times now, is what I can remember to be one of the hardest times in my life. I don't remember what it was like when I was pregnant with Finn, really. I remember Theresa dropping 3-month-old Caleb off at my house at 7:45, and I was always sleeping on the couch. Regan had been gone to work since 6, Ellie up since 5:30, and by 7:45 she was already down for a nap. Caleb would lay and play on the floor as long as he could stand it while I dozed, or cuddle up on the couch with me. I remember being desperate for a nap and thinking I was going to lose it when I couldn't get those babies to nap at the same time. I did my best to make it to work two days a week and try not to throw up while I was there. That is pretty much all I remember of that first trimester. But with Ellie, I remember vividly the aching loneliness, the completely blank and hollow feeling in my brain that I have now. I have nothing to talk about. I feel like I don't even think about anything. I am just tired, and nauseous, completely without motivation or inspiration or much emotion. I remember wanting to hang out with people, but not wanting to call them up because I felt like I was just such a bummer to be around. I worked full-time then and I had such a hard time making it to work, and always lost my breakfast once I got there.
Oh, the first trimester. Everyone knows in the back of their mind that you're pregnant, but without a kicking belly to show for it no one is really interested. So, I sit at home, nauseated, ready for bed but not wanting to go to bed; with nothing I feel like I have energy to do, nothing really to think about, just blank. 14 weeks will come, and I won't be sick anymore. But it's not just the morning sickness. It's actually having energy to do.... anything. To be.... someone.
